Topic: Pure Xbox Game Club - On Indefinite Hiatus

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Hey all,

Sorry I've been quiet on this, I've spoke to Balta privately regarding dropping the admin side of things entirely. I was planning to write a proper goodbye message to my duties here but it seems that it might just end up being a goodbye to Game Club as a whole. I have to apologise, I didn't realise it would mean the end of Game Club.

I have had one foot in the door for a long time now. Pure Xbox and Push Square validated and valued me in lots of ways towards the end of a particularly dark period of my life. I've spent the last 2 years properly healing IRL and changing my life in meaningful and demonstrable ways.

I've had a complete career change. After a year of throwing out applications at any job that was different to what I was doing before, a teacher at a class I attend suggested I retrain to do what she does. Through a number of connections I was lucky to have because I was seeking help for my depression and anxiety, I was able to secure funding to retrain from the local council.

I've started my own business doing that thing and I honestly love it. It feels me with a lot of joy. I don't make much money off it right now but I'm confident the business will grow. It also gives me a lot of free time to do other stuff, whether it's other clubs, keeping active and healthy, maintaining and forging relationships, making music or just working on growing the business. My time is finally my own and I couldn't be happier.

A crucial part of that is making music. I've wanted to make an album since I was a kid if I'm honest but for the last 15 or so years, I've just had a complete writer's block. I wrote and recorded a song in late '23 as I was healing and in late '24, I wrote and recorded 3 more songs. I've adjusted my goal from releasing an album down to just releasing an EP which I think I'll be ready to do in the next month. The long term goal is still doing an album but I think I'm ready to put something out there ya know?

I'm not sure if I will be allowed to post it here when it's done as it might break the community rules about advertising? Not sure if I'll be exempt because it's more just an update on my life rather than me trying to sell anything (though it will be available for sale). Also, it'll probably dox me if I post it here so I'm a bit on the fence.

Anyway, with that, with my new business, with massive changes to my relationship and all of the other super fulfilling things that have come to be IRL, my actual time for gaming has gone to basically nothing. I've tried to play things at times but I have a burning need to engage in active hobbies that yield something tangible rather than passive hobbies. So every time I pick up that controller to game, I can't immerse myself because my mind is constantly drifting to the game of real life.

I do want to get back to gaming at some point. But maybe on my own terms? I think I want to get rid of/sell a lot of my physical backlog, delete all the random 99p Switch games, GwG rubbish and PS Plus nonsense. I just want to have less pressure and really try and get rid of the feeling of having to complete a game for the sake of it I guess. I still have a half completed Ni No Kuni save file from like 8 months ago. Probably about 50% of the way through it but the thought of picking it up, while I want to see it through to the end, just fills me with the feeling that I will be missing out on something more tangible IRL. I'm even considering selling off a few of my retro consoles.

Anyway that said, I do believe the community here that I helped to build with all of you is a tangible success. I absolutely loved it. It rewarded me in so many ways over the first couple of years. I am so proud of it that I actually have it on my CV under volunteering! But alas, it doesn't pay and doing what I used to and what Balta has been doing more recently is actually a lot of work. I did try applying for a few paid roles with Hookshot some time ago but was unsuccessful - no doubt because of my lack of experience in journalism. That was just before I stepped back from doing the bulk of the admin. I suppose the personal reward of helping to build the community not being ultimately rewarded professionally left me a little jaded. I was pretty embarrassed to admit that back then. After all, this Game Club is a community endeavour but after a few years that were very personally rewarding, I guess it did kind of get to me that I was sitting at home out of work with no money coming in while doing a bunch of unpaid work on here.

So I stepped back, Balta took over but because of the way the forum works, I had to stick around to keep changing the thread title and update the first post every month. Which for a while I was happy to do but I thought December 2024 might be a good time for this club to transition to a new thread and for me to step back completely from it. I'd still be around to participate on an ad-hoc basis but my role as creator, administrator and later co-administrator would come to an end. The Game Club could have a fresh start in 2025.

This post is probably more honest than I've ever been but fudge it, life is far too short to leave things unsaid. I'm not holding out hope for something more to come out of this and I do have my own life now that has grown at a pace where I'm more comfortable being honest about my most recent struggles/feelings.

I really do want to emphasise the impact that both the staff and community at Pure Xbox (and Push Square) have had on my life. I might be growing in a different direction now but when I was lost, alone in my own head and really had no hope of any meaningful change to my situation or even any realisation that I needed to change my situation - Pure Xbox and Push Square had my back. You all gave me a place where I felt at home, where I felt wanted, needed and valued, where I could be myself (whoever that was back then) and where I could be open about my struggles. I am not lying when I say how proud I am of this Game Club and the community around it. Every single person that has ever been on that tag list has contributed to this pride. I recognise this as an achievement and I am proud of it.

This community saved me before I even knew I needed saving. You kept me ticking over and kept me going until my immediate reality forced me to seek help and actually change my life into something worth living. I have changed, I hate to say I'm a new person but I think I have taken and combined all the best aspects of my last 34 years on this planet as well as discovering a shed load of new stuff about myself and I have become the best version of me so far.

I'll say a couple more things that are on my mind before I sign off for the evening. It's more applicable to Push Square but being a cross platform gamer, there is an extent to which I see the community as a whole. I think I am going to repost this over on Push Square as well because I've been wanting to say something like this over there for a while now too despite my extended absence.

I only ever blocked one person. They were from the Push Square forums. Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever do it but they were the kind of person that would constantly pee on your bonfire. Some people might think that I'm not resilient enough or that I give too much stock to what internet trolls think but after lots of self-reflection, I think going X amount of years and only ever blocking one person is probably pretty good going. More power to the users here who have never blocked anyone but personally, at the time, I came to these forums to escape the drudgery of real life, to share my then passion and excitement for gaming, films and television. So to have someone reply to every post just sucking the joy out of what I was feeling, well it just sucked to be honest. No I don't think that joy has to be absolute to be true joy, joy can be fleeting and it can be affected by others. So I don't regret blocking that person.

The other thing that has been on my mind recently is the loss of RogerRoger. We chatted a lot on these forums and then also off the forums playing games online on Playstation. I trusted them and they were an important pillar of support for me. Unfortunately they deleted me off PSN as well. Of course it's their perogative to do so but I do just kind of want to know they are okay. I am not going to dox them by posting what we talked about online but if anyone still has them as a friend on PSN, I'd really like to know if they've been online recently - just so I can put my worries about them to bed. The worry that something has happened to them is far greater than any upset I feel about being deleted. The latter is a loss but it is something I will get over. The worry will just niggle at me.

So anyway, thank you all. Every staff member at Pure Xbox and Push Square and every community member from both sites that I've interacted with since I've been a member. It has been a pleasure. I've particularly loved having deep chats with folks over at Push Square, it's probably going back some years now so you might not all remember but I have a ridiculously good memory and I remember a lot! You have all helped me profoundly in ways that you probably don't realise. I'm still about, probably as much as I have been for the last year or two which isn't much but I'm still just a tag away if anyone wants to chat.

Peace out! 🙂🧡

(For Pure Xbox - I will probably put this thread on "watch" in a month or two so if anyone decides they want to restart this thread again in future then I'll know. Maybe I will be in a different place at that point and I can resume full duties, maybe half, maybe none at all. Only the future can tell!)